Having my own back

I think many of you know that I have struggles with anxiety and depression.  I spoke about this quite a bit at the beginning of this year.  I also struggle with self love and always have.  So much of that is based one how I feel about my body but also just that inner critic that I hear all day every day.

In January I started talk therapy.  I’ve done it many times before, in many different ways (life coach, women’s groups, therapists etc).  I really committed to myself…to my soul.. this year.  I still see my therapist regularly (on zoom…who knew lol).  She is helping me grow in so many positive ways.

One of my main struggles has been that I don’t trust myself.  I think I’ve come to believe this after various situations where I felt I let myself down or didn’t “have my own back”.  I am such a people pleaser that I put everyone else’s feelings before my own (including strangers!!!).  So many examples I could share but lets go with the time when I was in my early 20’s and was wearing my overalls (yes the ones that are back is style again lol) and a women at the mall asked me how far along I was.   I wasn’t pregnant and I had NO body fat at that age.  Instead of saying “I’m not pregnant”, I found myself saying “only a few months” and then literally feeling shocked and horrified at myself that I went along with what she thought, to prevent from having to embarrass her.   ME….embarrass her?!?   If anyone should be embarrassed in that situation, it should have been her.   I’m even a little embarrassed sharing this now…my integrity is soooo important to me and i broke my own rules that day for a stranger and that makes me sad for me.  I’m learning to have compassion for myself and setting boundaries that take care of me first.  I cannot tell you how HUGE this is for me and how good it feels to “have my own back”.  I’m trying to treat myself with the same love and compassion that I do with the people I love and why not right?  Shouldn’t that always be the case?  How do we have anything left for anyone if we don’t care for ourselves first.   

I hope that anyone who might have needed to hear this…sees this and knows they aren’t alone.  It is possible to learn to love and protect yourself.  It’s a process and I’m not there yet but I can confidently say that I really like Angie.  She’s fun, funny, a little bit spazzy, she’s also kind, sensitive and driven.  This is the beginning of a beautiful relationship with myself.  I wish that for all of us.